healing from a breakup (when you didn't want to break up)
a non-exhaustive list of things I plan to do to avoid drinking myself to death xoxo
Crash the fuck out (as responsibly as you can): Seriously. There are no prizes for being the most neat and sane person going through a breakup. Crash out.
Throw the pity party: You are experiencing adversity, show yourself some compassion. It’s normal to feel apathy and despair, just make sure it’s a pit stop and not your final destination. All parties have to end.
Cry.
Listen to all the sad, angry, resentful breakup music readily available: Radiohead, Lorde, Elton John, Lana Del Rey, Adele, Paramore, The Black Keys, Bobby Womack, Fleetwood Mac, Stevie Nicks, Ed Sheeran, Halsey, Arlo Parks, Sam Smith, Wolf Alice, Arctic Monkeys, etc.
Try listening to mainstream pop music too — the cheesier the better. Simple lyrics with catchy melodies can help articulate feelings you’re not yet sure how to express. (I’m not a Swiftie, but I have to give credit where credit is due, and 1989 is a banger.)
Read books on Love, Sex, Intimacy, Communication and Relationships to further your understanding of the nuances and complexities of marriage, relationships and dating.
Watch films and TV shows about people who have worse lives than yours: Everyone knows misery loves company, and healing requires perspective.
Find a therapist: Use therapy as a tool to explore your issues with intimacy and sexual repression: you've got problems too, girly. Use your therapist to discuss your anxious/avoidant attachment style and learn how to stop repeating codependent, self-destructive patterns. The goal is to become secure, but it won’t happen overnight.
Grieve the fact that you want/wanted to be in love.
Accept help from your friends and family: Isolation is detrimental.
Touch grass: Stop doomscrolling and go outside! Walk around the block even for just five minutes a day and get some “fresh air” in those polluted lungs you’ve been torturing with a vape.
Speak your mind: Focus on how you're feeling when discussing the breakup; you are not under oath — you do not always have to be impartial and politically correct. Say the bad thing, be bitter, but don’t post about it. Don’t be afraid to speak negatively. They hurt your feelings, and it’s okay to admit that. You are allowed to be angry about disrespect and broken promises.
Be busy until you’re not: Distractions will help, but don’t overwhelm yourself with plans and dates just to fill up the calendar. See people you trust and who make you feel safe. Spend time doing fun things that bring you joy on your own and with people.
Eat 2-3 meals a day: It’s hard. Your appetite is gone, but you still need fuel. Eating something is always better than eating nothing. Buy the Doritos.
Don’t rely on alcohol and substances to carry you through the thick of it: the post-party blues and comedown hit worse on an empty stomach and cigarette-stained teeth. Try a cup of tea and a biscuit every once in a while.
Try to sleep whenever you can: Your sleeping pattern is also fucked, so allow yourself a daytime nap when possible. It’s fine, it’s European.
Remind yourself that the struggles of living alone will foster healthy independence. No one gets adulthood right on the first try.
Accept that the breakup will be agonising, painful, and raw — things will be different, things will be difficult, things will be messy. Sit with the volatile discomfort of being single for the first time in almost 8 years and acknowledge how shitty the circumstances are.
Refrain from using dating apps for external validation and casual sex: They are designed to suck on purpose. There is nothing casual about you.
Journal your thoughts and feelings regularly: Use a pen and paper instead of only using your voice memos and notes app. The brain needs stimulation.
Try to masturbate without relying on porn and toys; it’ll help you reconnect with your mind and body.
Do not open up doors for ghosts from your past who walked out with no remorse: if they don’t text you back, they don’t want to text you back.
Feel happy in joyful moments: It may be fleeting, but it’s still worth feeling. You’re allowed to enjoy yourself and still feel sad.
Reduce contact with your ex: If no-contact feels impossible, that’s okay, but keep it limited and intentional. You can’t skip to the good bit of being friends without distance. You are not entitled to small talk with them anymore.
Allow yourself to be open to new connections of all shapes and sizes: Not every person you meet is meant to stay in your life forever!
Remove physical and digital reminders. You don’t have to delete the photos and burn the bridges (unless you want to), but changing your lockscreen and removing their birthday from your calendar is more than justified.
Get hotter: Invest in self-care because you’re all you have. I don’t just mean going to the gym or buying Laneige products (although that is my plan), but work with what you have, exercise, eat better, try out new aesthetics, haircuts, makeup, etc. Focus your positivity on the version you want to be once you’ve healed from this awful experience.
Indulge yourself in a couple of vices: you don’t have to be perfect during this. Fuck being told to “stay strong” and “be resilient”, it’s okay to be weak, to be sad, to be sensitive, to be yourself, and eventually it will…“get better”.
Avoid too much shit-talking: Just because you’re no longer together doesn’t give you free rein to reveal all their secrets and embarrassments to listening ears. Not every thought and opinion has to be said aloud. They still deserve a modicum of empathy because they’re human — plus it’s unattractive and makes you look like an arsehole even if you think you’re the victim.
Discuss all admin and logistics in person (or on the phone): Texting your ex leaves too much room for tonal ambiguity and delayed responses, which will only exacerbate your anxiety and anger. Keep it civil, keep it direct.
Accept the uncertainty of the future: the future you envisioned with your partner no longer exists. Grieve that. Even if there’s a chance of recoupling, that relationship will not resemble the past. Try to live day to day.
Write a substack detailing your healing from a breakup plan as a way to hold yourself accountable and let all of your subscribers and the internet know that your life isn’t as glossy and picture-perfect as you curate to be on Instagram. Shocking, right?
This found me at 5am right after my break-up. I really love how detailed it is and how it validates every aspect, every feeling. Thank you ♥️